Part 2: More Junk

After my suicide attempt at 15, I tried to make my life better on my own. I began dating a wonderful man who is now my sweet loving husband. Although he helped me so much in those early years he would not be able to be the savior I needed. See, I had believed in my heart that if he married me then my life would be fulfilled. Soon after the honeymoon was over I realized that he was not the one that could fill that emptiness in my heart. It was like trying to put the square peg into the round hole. Mike did all that he humanly could to keep the junk out of my life but Satan keep send towards me from every direction. So again I tried to "fix" it on my own. I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. Little did I understand that each time I an attempt to clean out I only open myself open for Satan to add more guilt and shame in. I still had not learned the lesson. I attempted suicide 2 more times and gave birth to a little girl. I put on my perfect little mask as if everything was great when actually it was all falling apart inside me. I, me, myself had tried all that I could to make myself "right". I had turned to everyone around me expecting them to fill my needed but they did not because they could not. Finally one night about 8 years ago I called out to God not for him to help me but for Him to send me a friend, someone that could listen to me and help me. Although it was not the most sincere prayer ever prayed He still heard me and answered me. That dear friend that He sent to me in turn took me to back to Him by loving me and inviting me to church. One night after attending church regularly for about 3 months God touched my heart in such away that I could not turn away from Him. I know in that moment that He was the answer I had been looking for.
I dedicated myself to Christ and my life changed. I want to be sure that I do not leave with the impression that now my life is all wonderful with no more bouts of depression and not troubles because it is not. The change - the difference is now I have the peace to walk though those storms because I know that I have a Father looking over me. He has guided me to a wonderful doctor that has worked with my physical needs through medicine. I deal with the emotional needs with prayer and close Christian friends. But at the core of it all I realize that He has a plan for me and I have to stick around to fulfill that plan.
He has a plan for each of you also (Jer 29:11).

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My Junk Drawer

How many people have a “junk” drawer in their home? You know the drawer that holds all those things that you need only occasionally and some things that you are not if sure of what they are. I think my family has a junk drawer in every room. These drawers did not start out as junk drawer. They were just regular drawers that slowly day after day accumulate the junk of life and became what they are….junk drawers. I have tried many times to organize, rearrange and clean them out but they clutter up again.
As I was searching through one of those drawers today I realized what an analogy that drawer was for my earlier years. I grew up as normal and regular as you can be. I had a very loving and caring family with mom, dad, brother and sister. We were involved in church, school and community. Life was good for me. However, at around the age of 12 or 13 the junk of life started coming in. Self-doubt, worry, contempt, fear, and a multitude of other thoughts all bombarding me from various sources yet really all from the father of lies(junk), Satan. Eventually, just like a junk drawer or room, my life became out of control and overflowing from the junk. I knew I had to put a stop to Satan’s endless stream of junk but unfortunately at the age of 15 and with limited coping skills I made the only choice I thought I could. I decided to take my life but God had another plan. Although He spared my life that cold December night I still did not turn to Him to allow him to clean up my junk.




I will share the rest of my junk drawer at a later date as I am praying for God to lead to that next step.

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WHY???

I started this blog over a month ago with a certain purpose in mind. God had called me to began speaking. He called me to began sharing my testimony. Why ??? After about 18 months with no doors opening to speak He impressed on me to start this blog. Why ??? I believe the reason is to share my story. To tell how far he has brought me. Why ??? Will my story really matter ? Will I be able to find the words to fully express how much He has loved me. Why does He love me ??? In the few months. That question of Why, has been in the foremost front of my mind. I pray that in the next few days or weeks He will give me the words to adequately tell you all where I was, how He came to meet me there and how He has walked with me since.

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Become 1 Leper

17Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" 19Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well." Luke 17:17-19

This Thanksgiving week are you like the one that returned to give thanks and praise to Christ or are you like the other 9 that never returned. Our pastor preached on Luke 17:11-19 this past Sunday. We often are thankful for the “things” we have and the people we have in our lives but how many time do we stop and just thank God for the breathe He puts in our lungs each second. And even more than that do we ever thank Him for the pain and trials that we go through.
As we get together with family and friends over this holiday not only thank Him for the material things but express your thankfulness to Him for the Cross

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One Car = One Soul

The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
I John 2:17 NIV

This past week was one of those weeks that cause your mind to re-focus and ponder on the things in life that truly matter. Let me explain:

On Monday morning when I got in the office I found out that one of my co-worker's mother had passed away over the weekend. So that day was spent in prayer for the family, arranging to send flowers and going to the funeral home for visitation.

Tuesday morning brought more sad news. After only being in the office a couple of hours I received word that another co-worker's father in law had passed away early that morning. Since this funeral was out of town I would be unable to attend but all the same sadness and sentiment that I had felt on Monday came over me again.

The wild mixture of emotion continued on Wednesday, Veteran's Day, as I stood on the sidewalk watch the tribute that was being paid to the men and women that had served our country. How do you say thank you to those people? How do we even begin to repay them? How do we allow our children to forget?

Praise God the Thursday brought no additional news.

I arrived at to my office Friday morning and was there alone. I really was just unmotivated to work and I caught myself staring out the widow. From my perch on the 21st floor of the building this is what I saw…..



I sat there for several minutes watching these cars coming and going, to and from whatever their day holds. I begin to think that in each one of those cars is at least one soul and my concern grew. Tears flowed down my face as the questions started rolling through my head. Where is that soul? Does he/she know Christ? Are they just wondering through their daily routine with no thought of eternity? Are they seeking and searching, lost in their in need for God? Do I really care? Do I hurt and weep over those individual souls as Jesus does? Why do I and so many others sit still in our salvation while others are unaware of the peace and joy God has to offer them?

There are lost souls around us each day and in all situations. What are we going to do to reach them?

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Thank you isn't enough

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This is only a test

I have not been seeing the comments link on the last post that I put up. I have made some changes I hope I have corrected the error.

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