Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Part 2: More Junk

After my suicide attempt at 15, I tried to make my life better on my own. I began dating a wonderful man who is now my sweet loving husband. Although he helped me so much in those early years he would not be able to be the savior I needed. See, I had believed in my heart that if he married me then my life would be fulfilled. Soon after the honeymoon was over I realized that he was not the one that could fill that emptiness in my heart. It was like trying to put the square peg into the round hole. Mike did all that he humanly could to keep the junk out of my life but Satan keep send towards me from every direction. So again I tried to "fix" it on my own. I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. Little did I understand that each time I an attempt to clean out I only open myself open for Satan to add more guilt and shame in. I still had not learned the lesson. I attempted suicide 2 more times and gave birth to a little girl. I put on my perfect little mask as if everything was great when actually it was all falling apart inside me. I, me, myself had tried all that I could to make myself "right". I had turned to everyone around me expecting them to fill my needed but they did not because they could not. Finally one night about 8 years ago I called out to God not for him to help me but for Him to send me a friend, someone that could listen to me and help me. Although it was not the most sincere prayer ever prayed He still heard me and answered me. That dear friend that He sent to me in turn took me to back to Him by loving me and inviting me to church. One night after attending church regularly for about 3 months God touched my heart in such away that I could not turn away from Him. I know in that moment that He was the answer I had been looking for.
I dedicated myself to Christ and my life changed. I want to be sure that I do not leave with the impression that now my life is all wonderful with no more bouts of depression and not troubles because it is not. The change - the difference is now I have the peace to walk though those storms because I know that I have a Father looking over me. He has guided me to a wonderful doctor that has worked with my physical needs through medicine. I deal with the emotional needs with prayer and close Christian friends. But at the core of it all I realize that He has a plan for me and I have to stick around to fulfill that plan.

He has a plan for each of you also (Jer 29:11).

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My Junk Drawer

How many people have a “junk” drawer in their home? You know the drawer that holds all those things that you need only occasionally and some things that you are not if sure of what they are. I think my family has a junk drawer in every room. These drawers did not start out as junk drawer. They were just regular drawers that slowly day after day accumulate the junk of life and became what they are….junk drawers. I have tried many times to organize, rearrange and clean them out but they clutter up again.
As I was searching through one of those drawers today I realized what an analogy that drawer was for my earlier years. I grew up as normal and regular as you can be. I had a very loving and caring family with mom, dad, brother and sister. We were involved in church, school and community. Life was good for me. However, at around the age of 12 or 13 the junk of life started coming in. Self-doubt, worry, contempt, fear, and a multitude of other thoughts all bombarding me from various sources yet really all from the father of lies(junk), Satan. Eventually, just like a junk drawer or room, my life became out of control and overflowing from the junk. I knew I had to put a stop to Satan’s endless stream of junk but unfortunately at the age of 15 and with limited coping skills I made the only choice I thought I could. I decided to take my life but God had another plan. Although He spared my life that cold December night I still did not turn to Him to allow him to clean up my junk.

I will share the rest of my junk drawer at a later date as I am praying for God to lead to that next step.