Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Part 2: More Junk

After my suicide attempt at 15, I tried to make my life better on my own. I began dating a wonderful man who is now my sweet loving husband. Although he helped me so much in those early years he would not be able to be the savior I needed. See, I had believed in my heart that if he married me then my life would be fulfilled. Soon after the honeymoon was over I realized that he was not the one that could fill that emptiness in my heart. It was like trying to put the square peg into the round hole. Mike did all that he humanly could to keep the junk out of my life but Satan keep send towards me from every direction. So again I tried to "fix" it on my own. I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. Little did I understand that each time I an attempt to clean out I only open myself open for Satan to add more guilt and shame in. I still had not learned the lesson. I attempted suicide 2 more times and gave birth to a little girl. I put on my perfect little mask as if everything was great when actually it was all falling apart inside me. I, me, myself had tried all that I could to make myself "right". I had turned to everyone around me expecting them to fill my needed but they did not because they could not. Finally one night about 8 years ago I called out to God not for him to help me but for Him to send me a friend, someone that could listen to me and help me. Although it was not the most sincere prayer ever prayed He still heard me and answered me. That dear friend that He sent to me in turn took me to back to Him by loving me and inviting me to church. One night after attending church regularly for about 3 months God touched my heart in such away that I could not turn away from Him. I know in that moment that He was the answer I had been looking for.
I dedicated myself to Christ and my life changed. I want to be sure that I do not leave with the impression that now my life is all wonderful with no more bouts of depression and not troubles because it is not. The change - the difference is now I have the peace to walk though those storms because I know that I have a Father looking over me. He has guided me to a wonderful doctor that has worked with my physical needs through medicine. I deal with the emotional needs with prayer and close Christian friends. But at the core of it all I realize that He has a plan for me and I have to stick around to fulfill that plan.

He has a plan for each of you also (Jer 29:11).


  1. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so glad that God had His hand upon your life and that those attempts at suicide didn't succeed.

    You are a blessing.

  2. Thank God for his faithfulness, whether he sends it through friends, doctors, his Spirit.

    As we are faithful to press in, he is faithful to pour out.

    Keep pressing, sister, and thanks for being at the blog this week. My spirit has suffered from many different angles, but again, God is faithful to reach down and touch my heart through so many of you!


  3. There is such beauty and grace in you and your story, you are stepping out boldy in faith and listening to Him...He will continue to guide you! Merry Christmas Amy!

  4. Amy,

    God certainly is going to use you and your experiences to help others. We are each so unique and with unique trials and sufferings. God is gracious and such a loving God and he is able to turn our scars into beauty marks when we let Him use them to help others such as you are doing Amy. You are a beautiful soul inside and out. I haven't met you in person, but your beautiful spirit resonates through your writing.

    I've been there with expecting others to fill the voids in our life only to find out that no one else can except our Heavenly Father. But I too have learned that the void can only be filled by my Lord and Saviour. And he replaces it with such wonderful joy.

    Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas Amy.

    Lee Ann

  5. God is so good! He is faithful to hear our petitions and I'm so glad that you listened to His answer.

    Prayers and blessings to you as you continue to live out all God has for you!


  6. God bless you for your transparency. He will honor that in huge ways.

    We all have our junk drawers, our skeletons in the closet. I talked about mine recently over at The Point.

    God will use you to minister to lives in ways that will amaze you.